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joke of the day

Wild Hair

Well-known member
v.p. Cheney @ morning breifing:
Pres. Bush, we are getting 110 brazillian troops to help us out.

Pres Bush: THATS GREAT Dick.

Buy the way, how many is a brazillian?
 
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first namEs.
The North has Ind. car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive!

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
 
JUST PLAIN FACT YALL ! :shock: BACON GREASE AND DUCT TAPE WILL FIX MOST ANYTHING ! BUT MOST OF YALL KNOW THAT ALREADY ! :shock:
 
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

:D Just kidin, lots o me friends is Yanks. When I lived in Grand Rapids for 4 years, the gals liked the way I talked.
 
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Come on yall, Everbody loves them big ole Cathead biscuits !

Scotty
 
Two guys sit down on an airplane together and noticed that both had a black eye. One asked "what happened?" . They other replied "well ,you know how you get your words mixd up sometimes? Well I was asking the big busted blonde at the counter for a ticket to Pittsburg and it came out "a picket to Tittsburg" so she slugged me. Th other guy replied" Well a very similar situation happened to me, I was a the breakfas table with my wife and meant to say "pass the corkflakes ,honey" but it came out " you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!"
 
Well remember the best movie ever with an airboat in it, and the quote that has summed up everything for me, Bobby Boucher's Momma says "woman are the devil"
 
For theguys in Texas

There were these three texans and they were gonna go to mexico to get drunk. Well they go there get drunk and pass out they wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the gaurds what they are in for. The gaurd says the only thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day comes and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The gaurd asks if he has any last words. The guy says " I'm from Baylor University and I beleive in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy gets strapped in and the gaurd asks for his last words. He says " I'm from texas Tech and I beleive in the almighty power of justice to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy is brought in and he says " I'm a Texas Aggee eeletrical eengineer and I tell you you'll never eelectrocute noone if you don't connect those two wires."
 
My turn, There's a fellow walking down Main St. in Macon, Ga. and he sees a Pit Bull attacking a small child. He rushes over and squeezes the dogs neck until the dog dies and lets go of the the child. A man approaches and said "I saw EVERYTHING, you, my sir, are a HERO!!! I work for the Macon Times and the headlines tomorrow are going to read, MACON MAN THWARTS KILLER ANIMAL" . The fellow said "But I'm not from Macon". The man said "OK the headlines will read GEORGIA BOY KILLS ATTACK DOG". The fellow said "Im not from Georgia". Then the man looks at the fellow and said " Then where are you from boy". The fellow replies " Im from Des Moines, Iowa, very proudly". The man goes "HUH, Well then the headlines going to read YANKEE KILLS TOWN PET".
 
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**!"....

:lol:
 
Hey Safari....I wish I knew then what I know now!! :pain10: Actually I think that only applies to first marriages. :scratch:
 
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